aloha again,
i know i'm wearing out my welcome on this PTSD thing but it's still a brand new perspective to me.
maybe it'll help some vets family cope too???
WWII PLUS 35 YEARS
this will seem odd but it's too true to be fiction.i met Korak The Killer when i worked at a swank hotel,we were both security guards,there before us was..."ANDRE" about 55 and bulit like a short angry bowling ball.his parents were from The Old Country and Andre grew up bring fluent in both French and German and so when WWII rolled around he was in high demand on the front lines.i always wondered why Andre seems so pissed off at everything,he even called Korak "another pretty boy" (meaning a pussy) when they first met.you know those right wing jew baiting Holacaust Deniers? i think Andre badly hurt a couple of them in his rages.Andre was literally the first American to set foot in several Nazi Death Camps,his description makes it sound like opening a sizzling hot oven door to Hell.he never got over it. he had all the PTSD Symptoms BIG TIME-hypervigilance,alcoholism,rage,domestic violence,rapid and dangerous mood swings,paranoia etc etc etc.
plus he collected derringers and killing knives (oh my!), he and Korak bonded while discussing the best killing knives-a tie between the Brit Fairbourn Sykes (sp?) commando dagger and the ever popular Bowie knife.Andre was a miserable seething mess and he'd picked up fluent Japanese during the Occupation by marrying a native.i thot he could make a fortune as a translator or something for a multinational but now i see why he didn't...he and Korak both got fired 'for cause' and i quit nine years later.i saw him guarding some building near Japantown in SF months later and he shrugged off the firing,Korak later had several jobs where he abused people,women or power before debunking to the Great Northwest with a Japanese woman who owned a yacht (or so it was said).Korak left his wives,children and girlfriends behind.far as i know Andre is still with his first Japanese wife.
INSIDE OF FEAR
this is related,trust me on this.
i met a blonde commune hippie girl just after i started doing LSD in the late 60s,one of her friends had just done his first acid trip and was totally confused.'what did you see?' she asked.
the short version is he was inside a Tarot card,Judgement from the Major Arcana,wherein nude bodies in coffins rise up when the angel Gabriel (or whoever) blows his horn,his version had the coffins on a fast moving river heading for a waterfall, he was in a coffin which went over the falls then straight up to meet The Angel who told him IT IS INSIDE OF FEAR.he didn't get it.the rest of us acid heads nodded,we got it then walked off.
i have always advised people NEVER TO BLUFF A MANIAC,they can smell fear just like dogs do.i had dark rages when i was younger when i went out looking for somebody bigger and meaner to kick their ass,i never understood them (the foulness and anger). i have had jobs where i was armed,both legally and semi legally,whenever i threatened to ventilate someone's skull i always meant -it just like my Daddy taught me.
( i underscore here that i was NEVER A BULLY,if anything packing heat made me politer. as in 'is this petty sh*t worth killing this fool? NO.' not always true when i drove a taxi) despite Doc Holliday i never really thot of myself as A BAD ASS,i wasn't even in his league.but due to PTSD i had become genuinely (perhaps stupidly) fearless.FEARLESS with fast cars and weapons,everything except choosing the right partner. casual sex yes,sex with the faithless yes but A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP????
i was not ready. i think it took having children after decades of meditation and soul searching to cure(?) that. i have been told that i have "a unique personality" but that's usually from people who like me.others quote the punchline to that old Jesus joke "everyone else just thinks you're an assh*le!"
in other news,
Judas could heal too.think about it.
scan the Blog Lists,some are really good.
semper grumpy
mega
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