Monday, September 21, 2015

my first cane....

"Don't go looking fro trouble, there's always enough to go around." Ho Chi Zen...

something triggered this memory. when i am very sick every vile and bile thing in my life comes flooding back, but this doesn't involve my ex. 

i was in high school and doing sorta okay grade wise but emotionally damaged otherwise and the Harlem YMCA decided to take about a dozen of us on a :Leadership Weekend" is was a city kid, a street semi rat and the only time i had even seen Central Park was on elementary school filed trips so....they pack us in a bus and take us to this rustic cabin in New Jersey just across the river. it was winter and it was snowing and damn cold so some genius decides that our "leadership" training was to cross a frozen lake and climb a the snow,without flashlights or decent hiking boot-which i did not own anyway...what could possibly go wrong? so we get across the lake, which activated my fear of drowning after several water mishaps and we go up a slippery dirt path in fresh show so.. my slick leather shoes slip on something and i bust my knee open on a sharp rock,about a three inch wide and shallow gash (a scar i bear to this day)so i have torn bloody pants and their "leadership" decision i was to abandon me to go back to the cabin alone, which they did...sigh. so i pick up a dead branch to use as a cane and limped back to the frozen lake,which evoked fresh fears of the ice cracking and me drowning alone and unseen so i took the long way around the lake back to the cabin where the leaders eventually returned..Mother was not happy about the bloody pants but i only got screamed and not a beating. 

"Anger was like currency in my family, like love or food to be dispensed or withheld on apparent whims" from an unfinshed poem in my head

mind the gap

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