my worst nightmares

"Let the government read my e-mails.
I have nothing to hide." 
-various health workers i met this week (sigh)

hola.
sobering, it was sobering and a trifle scary...
no NOT the NSA, this time.
on friday SM had a small forearm melanoma (skin cancer)
excised, hope they got it all.

i suppose many of of have a Bucket List of nightmares,i do.
as a child i saw my nurturing Father pitted against my
sour raging hostile Mother and
prayed that i would never be left alone with her.....so
of course he died.
my nightmares became real when
she would wake me up by whipping me with an electrical cord
or have to strip naked for a beating
-no hidden padding was her excuse.

then the nightmare of being an alert aware 
READER  (that weird reader kid-sissy) in
knuckle dragging Harlem
and the beatings that brought.
BTW where i grew up they threw people off roofs,
and the buildings ranged from seven to fourteen stories
or they used them as sniper's nests....it was brutal.

then TexASS where the raw scar of
lynchings was till fresh and
they HATED smartass New Yorkers like me...
the bleak emotional desert that is L.A. and
the snobbery veneer of San Francsico with
it's thinly veiled racisms which is much abundant
among it's second rate museums and culture cliques.
at least in Oakland and Berkeley
they spit in your face or shoot you.

it is apparently impossible to convey to SM that
when i drove cab for five years in frisco
i was NEVER Afraid as i was
armed and dangerous
having survived the Gladiator School that was Harlem and NYC.
like Breaking Bad i was,
 in my own relatively moral way,
The Danger.

back then i feared being old infirm and vulnerable..VOILA!
now this...the thing about losing a cane,crutch, walker or
a cherished Soul Mate is that
when you lose one you're
both helpless and hopeless....
helpless i've learned to live with.
the other i survived as a child.
The Mirage once asked me to give Da Stone Boyz
a crash course in Street Smarts....AS IF.
(sly bitter laughter here)

i am stronger than my sons, more brutal and more ruthless
and more The Batman  archetype........
and sometimes no longer sure that is such a good thing.
 maybe i wonder if it is
the scar tissue which keeps me from falling apart?

The Batman represents the sordid seedy shabby
corrupt NYC i grew up in and i was shocked,
yes me shocked,
to find that wasn't isolated to just NYC.

the NSA et all represent the kind of
dysoptian oligarchy that i never loved in
science fiction (or film) from the
sci fi Golden Era (1930s-1970s?)
can it get any worse?

fascisms oligarchy climate change disaster
solar flares and power failures and/or sabotage.

my BFF G Man often jibe about the current morass with
"I'm glad I'm old and will die soon."

for realsy.
            Life is indeed a Game of Thrones....

namaste
mega