"As you get older...the fucking you get,
is not worth the fucking you take."
sage advise from a stranger
in Central Park NYC circa 1970s
hola,
was talking to my caseworker a couple of day
ago and he asked
"Do you have suicidal thots?"
silly boy, of course i do.
i can see myself devolving into a Stephen Hawking state
of total dependence and it scares the hell outta me.
i like what lil freedom of thot and deed i have left.
when asked how many times i think about this daily...
depending on escalating pain levels anywhere for 5 to 25.
i have nice lil spot picked out along the coast
and with a quick slice or two i can open both
femoral arteries and bleed out in 8-10 minutes
or blow out my overlarge complicated brain
with a large caliber bullet.
odds are i won't do this while Soul Mate is alive
but if she dies first...
a good friend killed herself last week,
probably for much the same reasons,
using a method she saw on PBS last year,
cheap simple foolproof and quick
unlike my overly dramatic choices.
how long have i been depressed and suicidal?
most of my life.
when i lived in Harlem NYC
on the twelfth floor of The Projects
often thot of leaping to my death
as others had done before me.
when i was 21 or so and in chronic pain sustained when
a white woman in a Buick ran a red light to crush
the Corvair i was riding in
and reduce my height from 6 foot to 5
to 6 foot forever, i thot about hitchiking
to Mt.Shasta and dropping LSD to watch
the light show at sunset and open my veins to it.
this was not a fanatsy
i actually got as far north as
the tiny town of French Gulch,
it's on the maps or it was anyway,
where i met an old man-about my age now
-who had just lost his wife and he was HAPPY
for all the years they'd had togehter
and was going to keep living to honor that fact.
a much stronger man than i apparently
anyway he caused me to do a U Turn and go home.
i am way beyond any U Turns now
as my CHF keeps escalating until Death
or maybe major surgery.
unlike most americans i have seen Death
up close and not just the horrid Southern tradition of
forcing children to kiss the lips of dead relations.
UGH!
i have seen at least two jumpers die
in downtown frisco
and seed body parts scattered from a horendous
traffic accident less than two blocks away
from that site.and the usual share of
dead males atop mistress/. secretary
humping hotel deaths,
so i few few illusion about this
just ahope for
DEATH WITH DIGNITY
while i still can.
hope this has NOT
bummed out your July 4th
but like vomit or my brain vomit
what comes up -comes out...
love one another ok?
namaste
mega
is not worth the fucking you take."
sage advise from a stranger
in Central Park NYC circa 1970s
hola,
was talking to my caseworker a couple of day
ago and he asked
"Do you have suicidal thots?"
silly boy, of course i do.
i can see myself devolving into a Stephen Hawking state
of total dependence and it scares the hell outta me.
i like what lil freedom of thot and deed i have left.
when asked how many times i think about this daily...
depending on escalating pain levels anywhere for 5 to 25.
i have nice lil spot picked out along the coast
and with a quick slice or two i can open both
femoral arteries and bleed out in 8-10 minutes
or blow out my overlarge complicated brain
with a large caliber bullet.
odds are i won't do this while Soul Mate is alive
but if she dies first...
a good friend killed herself last week,
probably for much the same reasons,
using a method she saw on PBS last year,
cheap simple foolproof and quick
unlike my overly dramatic choices.
how long have i been depressed and suicidal?
most of my life.
when i lived in Harlem NYC
on the twelfth floor of The Projects
often thot of leaping to my death
as others had done before me.
when i was 21 or so and in chronic pain sustained when
a white woman in a Buick ran a red light to crush
the Corvair i was riding in
and reduce my height from 6 foot to 5
to 6 foot forever, i thot about hitchiking
to Mt.Shasta and dropping LSD to watch
the light show at sunset and open my veins to it.
this was not a fanatsy
i actually got as far north as
the tiny town of French Gulch,
it's on the maps or it was anyway,
where i met an old man-about my age now
-who had just lost his wife and he was HAPPY
for all the years they'd had togehter
and was going to keep living to honor that fact.
a much stronger man than i apparently
anyway he caused me to do a U Turn and go home.
i am way beyond any U Turns now
as my CHF keeps escalating until Death
or maybe major surgery.
unlike most americans i have seen Death
up close and not just the horrid Southern tradition of
forcing children to kiss the lips of dead relations.
UGH!
i have seen at least two jumpers die
in downtown frisco
and seed body parts scattered from a horendous
traffic accident less than two blocks away
from that site.and the usual share of
dead males atop mistress/. secretary
humping hotel deaths,
so i few few illusion about this
just ahope for
DEATH WITH DIGNITY
while i still can.
hope this has NOT
bummed out your July 4th
but like vomit or my brain vomit
what comes up -comes out...
love one another ok?
namaste
mega
Well, I understand. I've got my own medical problems but not with the chronic pain - that sucks. And truthfully, as I get older I often think, what is it I'm hanging around for? It's not going to get any better. Nothing good is going to happen. There's just no *point* to it all. But I guess I'm too chicken or something so I'm still here.
ReplyDeleteWe like having you around, btw. :)
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Irrelevant PS: Are you sure you need ALL of those things in the sidebar? Darth Vader quotes? Japanese prints? Well, here's the thing. On my slow connection, it takes about 10 minutes for ONE of your pages to load. It's the megabyte or so of Javascript files loading in the sidebar. Often (mostly) the page will finally timeout before It loads enough for the comment box to appear. I know, most people aren't on a slow connection like mine. I'm just saying, to make this comment I had to reload this page TWICE and it ended up taking 20 minutes.